Love and Emotions

I haven't hated anyone in years. During my entire life, I've only ever hated 2 people. I forgave them through a lot of learning and a lot of God's love. I promised myself that I would never hate anyone ever again. It causes so much negativity for the one who hates rather than the one that is hated. I believe that hatred just festers in our bodies and causes destruction. Like constantly putting acidic foods in our bodies. The acid causes harm through heartburn, indigestion, reflux and on and on. We love acidic foods/beverages like tomatoes, citrus fruit and their juices, peppers, etc. So, we medicate and continue ingesting the things that we enjoy, knowing the damage that we are causing ourselves. Hatred is this way to our bodies except there are no medications that can ease the destruction. I'm balancing this hatred line right now, fighting with my promise to myself. I want to hate you. I wish I could hate you. I have said this to myself a lot over the last year. ...

How are there so many memories with something that had such a short life? I wanted to go see you, but I couldn't. There's new rules in place, not that I understand what they all are, I know nothing physically intimate is allowed. So, I couldn't go see  you because I couldn't get intimate memories out of my mind's eye today. So many things. A destroyed rain coat. Sir Tyler Terraces. Taco Bell-UNCW areas. Rainy days. An elevator. Walks....so many walks. Then, all of these memories paints such a vivid movie in my mind that I can't even walk. Not of a memory but of a desire. I unwillingly text so I won't later be tempted to go anyway and take a risk. I wonder, will I ever have any of this again in my lifetime? Would I even want it if it wasn't with you? The answer is no. I wouldn't want it from any other source. I couldn't let someone else in on that level. It's amazing to me just how inter woven into my life you had become. I didn't even...

So, I'm on the edge, I'm done. I send one text to one person to say what I need to say, goodbye. I had everything planned, I was ready. Then, I get a text back. I didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. But it was there. Then another one. I respond the next day. Then a dialogue ensues for a few days. I back away from the edge. I see a small sliver of light. I try again. I push forward. I breathe deep. I can move again. Why? YOU. Why is it always you? I'm supposed to walk away. Leave it behind. Let go of it. But, I don't. I can't. I won't. I wonder your reasons. I question your statements. But, I don't ask. Because for the first time ever, I don't care about the reasons. I just don't. Anything is better than nothing. Small is better than nil. I begin a Bible study of a word that struck a cord within me from a sermon from.....YOUR church. The things I have received  from those sermons have changed something within my mind and my heart. I have ...