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Acid Burns Internally

I haven't hated anyone in years. During my entire life, I've only ever hated 2 people. I forgave them through a lot of learning and a lot of God's love. I promised myself that I would never hate anyone ever again. It causes so much negativity for the one who hates rather than the one that is hated.

I believe that hatred just festers in our bodies and causes destruction. Like constantly putting acidic foods in our bodies. The acid causes harm through heartburn, indigestion, reflux and on and on. We love acidic foods/beverages like tomatoes, citrus fruit and their juices, peppers, etc. So, we medicate and continue ingesting the things that we enjoy, knowing the damage that we are causing ourselves.

Hatred is this way to our bodies except there are no medications that can ease the destruction. I'm balancing this hatred line right now, fighting with my promise to myself. I want to hate you. I wish I could hate you.

I have said this to myself a lot over the last year. Never had it as hard as right now though. You said to me several times that you hoped I would get over my pain eventually so that I could speak to you without pain in the future. I think you lied. I think it's easier for you if I am so hurt by you that I cannot speak to you again. I think the closer I am to hating you, the easier for you because then you don't have to worry about ever speaking to or hearing from or seeing me ever again.

Since seeing you the other day and the processing the words you hurled at my face, I believe even more that this is true. Your words that day have not matched your actions and behaviors and your texts that led up to that meeting. I think you need me to be the strong one, the one able to walk away and leave this situation in the past. I wanted a hug that day, just to be in your arms for a moment. You asked me twice if there was anything else that I wanted to say or wanted. I believe you asked because you hoped. I think this hurts more than your words. Deeper. Why, if you are the strong man of Christ that you are meant to be, why do I have to be the strong one and walk away? Why, truthfully, am I your weakness?

This doesn't make sense to me. But, I still wish I could hate you. These intense feelings are heavy and thick acid burning through my insides. Yet, I still love you.

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