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My Way Out

So, I'm on the edge, I'm done. I send one text to one person to say what I need to say, goodbye. I had everything planned, I was ready. Then, I get a text back. I didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. But it was there. Then another one.

I respond the next day. Then a dialogue ensues for a few days. I back away from the edge. I see a small sliver of light. I try again. I push forward. I breathe deep. I can move again. Why? YOU. Why is it always you? I'm supposed to walk away. Leave it behind. Let go of it. But, I don't. I can't. I won't.

I wonder your reasons. I question your statements. But, I don't ask. Because for the first time ever, I don't care about the reasons. I just don't. Anything is better than nothing. Small is better than nil.

I begin a Bible study of a word that struck a cord within me from a sermon from.....YOUR church. The things I have received  from those sermons have changed something within my mind and my heart. I have a purpose. I am seeking that purpose.

I am reading through social media. Different posts on all of my outlets lead to you. Thoughts, emotions, memories, desires, happiness. I can't hide from you no matter how hard I try. Example, I read today..."get someone who asks how you're feeling, who worries if/what you ate today & who knows your facial expressions, actions & tones". This was you. You did these things.

I also read, "find someone who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on them, who will listen to your heartbeat or watch you sleep; who kisses your forehead." You did these things. Now I am lost and hurt. I waited too long to acknowledge and accept. I waited too long to say something. Now, all I can think about is you and what was. I want all of that again. But it won't happen. I'm lost. But I will never forget.

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