Skip to main content

All in My Mind

How are there so many memories with something that had such a short life? I wanted to go see you, but I couldn't. There's new rules in place, not that I understand what they all are, I know nothing physically intimate is allowed. So, I couldn't go see  you because I couldn't get intimate memories out of my mind's eye today.

So many things. A destroyed rain coat. Sir Tyler Terraces. Taco Bell-UNCW areas. Rainy days. An elevator. Walks....so many walks. Then, all of these memories paints such a vivid movie in my mind that I can't even walk. Not of a memory but of a desire. I unwillingly text so I won't later be tempted to go anyway and take a risk.

I wonder, will I ever have any of this again in my lifetime? Would I even want it if it wasn't with you? The answer is no. I wouldn't want it from any other source. I couldn't let someone else in on that level. It's amazing to me just how inter woven into my life you had become. I didn't even understand the depths until you were no longer there.  I wanted to text to say enjoy practice, something that I did daily before. But I couldn't. I got worried with all of the storms and then wanted to say be careful at practice, if it wasn't cancelled. But again, I couldn't.

No, I definitely do not want that kind of intimacy with anyone else. I will stay with my memories.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Will Find Me

Who am I? On my own, without you, who am I? I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be, but then, you blew into my life so hard and fast my head is still spinning after how many years...I try to take inventory of myself, you know, keep myself in check and the right course. But somehow, at some point, I lost my direction. Not in every aspect in life, I do have to keep living. But, I've noticed that I don't know who I am without you anymore. I've realized that every thought I have about movement in my life, you intrude and I try to figure out how you would want me to move. Kind of like playing chess and waiting for your opponent to tell you what your next move should be. Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether g...
Post a Comment
Read more

Deadlines...termination dates...expirations...

 So, I've had my head in a place lately...end of story type place. I wonder, what would I do if I was given an expiration date? Like, "you have until June 30th to do everything, then you will wake up in Heaven, never to be on Earth again" type expiration date. This comes up because recently, I was told that I had maybe 6 months left with my mom. My head started spinning once the conversation was over. What do I need her to know? What do I need to know from her? What do I do to prepare for this? Can I even do anything to prepare for it? I started doing things that are not at all wise things to do in this situation. You see, when my depression is heavy, I call mom. When my anxiety threatens my day, I call mom. When something exciting happens, I call mom. You get the point, right? So, I thought to myself one day, "Chris, you're going to have to get used to not calling mom, so you might as well start now". So, I called mom, almost daily still, but not for my ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Twisted like a Tornado

Ya'll, I am so very twisted right now. Well, let's be truly honest, I've been twisted for awhile now. I recently found myself on my own completely. Some parts of that I am more than surviving. But other parts, well, not so much. I have busted my rear for almost 20 years to keep the house that we bought and now I am facing losing my home because I cannot afford all of the marital bills on my own. I have been emotionally trashed over this issue. I don't want to move. I'm comfortable there, I've made it my own space. I truly can't see me living anywhere else. I'm terrified to have to face that process. I'm devastated with this situation. I'm also, yes at the same time, facing an empty nest. 2 of my 4 currently still reside at home, however, 1 is leaving this month and the other is trying to leave as quickly as possible. I'm not ok being "alone" in my home. My home was bought for a family, not a single dweller. I am so very proud of a...
Post a Comment
Read more