Who am I? On my own, without you, who am I? I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be, but then, you blew into my life so hard and fast my head is still spinning after how many years...I try to take inventory of myself, you know, keep myself in check and the right course. But somehow, at some point, I lost my direction. Not in every aspect in life, I do have to keep living. But, I've noticed that I don't know who I am without you anymore. I've realized that every thought I have about movement in my life, you intrude and I try to figure out how you would want me to move. Kind of like playing chess and waiting for your opponent to tell you what your next move should be.
Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether good or bad, I wanted them involved. I wanted to discuss it all with them. But, I was not just hurt by this person, but I was devastated and had my life up ended and landing in chaos. Such devastation that it took years to get through (no, not over; just through). Then, it took years to relax into being me on my own again. I remained on my own for a very long time. I relaxed in who I was and who I wanted to be. I relaxed so much that you were able to breeze in and get comfortable before I realized what happened. By the time I realized it, it was too late to stop what was happening.
Now, I'm at a spot where I question every word that is uttered, every move that is made, every look that is given. I find myself unable to breathe until your next word, move or look is forthcoming. I looked in the mirror today and did not recognize the face staring back at me...she wasn't anyone outside of you. Her moves were not her own. Her thoughts were guarded in wanting to know first what your thoughts were. I remembered something that was said the other day, a response given to words that I chose to share. The response was uneven to my words. Another imbalanced piece of this puzzle that has become me plus you. This has weighed so heavily on me today.
I can't continue to wait. I have to live my life my way and realize that you will be there or you won't. I believe I want more of you than you want of me. I know what I want, I've said the words to myself and out loud to you and others. I've been mapping things out, discovering steps to be taken and I have help that I am working with to see things that I can't see in order to be the best prepared self I can be.
I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do and know that I can do it on my own. I've doubted me for long enough. I found myself a long time ago. I did it on my own. I will do it again. I will figure out who I am on my own. I know I want a partner and I know who I want as my partner. But I can and will be me and I will not settle for an unwanted imbalance in my life. I deserve more and I will not settle for less any longer. My life will be balanced. I will enjoy me again.
Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether good or bad, I wanted them involved. I wanted to discuss it all with them. But, I was not just hurt by this person, but I was devastated and had my life up ended and landing in chaos. Such devastation that it took years to get through (no, not over; just through). Then, it took years to relax into being me on my own again. I remained on my own for a very long time. I relaxed in who I was and who I wanted to be. I relaxed so much that you were able to breeze in and get comfortable before I realized what happened. By the time I realized it, it was too late to stop what was happening.
Now, I'm at a spot where I question every word that is uttered, every move that is made, every look that is given. I find myself unable to breathe until your next word, move or look is forthcoming. I looked in the mirror today and did not recognize the face staring back at me...she wasn't anyone outside of you. Her moves were not her own. Her thoughts were guarded in wanting to know first what your thoughts were. I remembered something that was said the other day, a response given to words that I chose to share. The response was uneven to my words. Another imbalanced piece of this puzzle that has become me plus you. This has weighed so heavily on me today.
I can't continue to wait. I have to live my life my way and realize that you will be there or you won't. I believe I want more of you than you want of me. I know what I want, I've said the words to myself and out loud to you and others. I've been mapping things out, discovering steps to be taken and I have help that I am working with to see things that I can't see in order to be the best prepared self I can be.
I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do and know that I can do it on my own. I've doubted me for long enough. I found myself a long time ago. I did it on my own. I will do it again. I will figure out who I am on my own. I know I want a partner and I know who I want as my partner. But I can and will be me and I will not settle for an unwanted imbalance in my life. I deserve more and I will not settle for less any longer. My life will be balanced. I will enjoy me again.
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