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Deadlines...termination dates...expirations...

 So, I've had my head in a place lately...end of story type place. I wonder, what would I do if I was given an expiration date? Like, "you have until June 30th to do everything, then you will wake up in Heaven, never to be on Earth again" type expiration date.

This comes up because recently, I was told that I had maybe 6 months left with my mom. My head started spinning once the conversation was over. What do I need her to know? What do I need to know from her? What do I do to prepare for this? Can I even do anything to prepare for it? I started doing things that are not at all wise things to do in this situation. You see, when my depression is heavy, I call mom. When my anxiety threatens my day, I call mom. When something exciting happens, I call mom. You get the point, right? So, I thought to myself one day, "Chris, you're going to have to get used to not calling mom, so you might as well start now". So, I called mom, almost daily still, but not for my "stuff", just to check on her and see how her day was going. I tried not to discuss my stuff, especially the hard or heavy things. But then, I started praying and asking God what to do instead of trying to reason with my own self. I realized that while I have mom, I should, truly, have mom. I don't want to give her the impression that I've already accepted her physical removal from my life. I want her to know that I need her and want her in my life, now and 6 months from now and for as long as I am breathing. I want her to know, without doubt or question, that when I no longer have her physically, I will ALWAYS wish she were still with me. So, I have decided that I will live the rest of HER days making sure she knows just how important she is to me.


All of this happening, really made me start thinking. What would I do if I was given my deadline? What things and to whom would I want to say? What would I want to do, where would I want to go? I have had a pretty blessed life. A trip of a lifetime (dreamt about for YEARS) was realized in  WITH MOM!! I have had some pretty amazing people bless my life for a period of time. I have 4 beautiful children that I am proud of beyond words. I have experienced so very much of life - including the wonders of the beach!! But, I have also had my fair share of negative in life as well. I have experienced addiction, abuse, depression, physical chronic illness, broken heart, shattered dreams and plenty of other experiences. 

So, just what would I do with the time left that I was given. I would FINALLY speak up for myself. I would tell those that were currently hurting me that I was to be treasured. I would not allow abuse, from any source or in any manner. I would fight harder to break through the dark and live in the light as much as I possibly could. I would tell people that have spoken love to my face and hate/ill will behind my back that I know and it's why I stopped talking to them but that it's ok because I will always love them anyway. I would seek out anyone I have wronged and whole heartedly apologize and beg their forgiveness. I would spend as much time as possible with the people who mean the most to me, even if I don't rank to the same level in their life. I would not beg for anything, especially love, ever again. I would not allow myself to be used in any manner. I would speak up more loudly for the under privileged and mistreated. I would do my best to let those people whom I love and treasure understand just how important they are to me. But...

But most importantly, I believe I would spend more time on my knees seeking my father's face and begging Him for his comfort as I live out my last days. I would ask Him to send me the people that He wants me to speak to, love on, comfort or take care of. I would live outside of my comfort zone in order to reflect His amazing love and grace for all of us. I would ask that He comfort and repair the broken hearts that caused so much pain and anguish in my life that they would never need to hurt another person as they live the rest of their life. I would ask that He give me all the broken children that needs to have their hand held and their heart repaired so that I could work on that task. 

But then I wonder, why wouldn't I do or say all of these things now and live in freedom NOW and experience this love NOW? Why would I wait until I received my death sentence in order to act? There's a song that says "I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying"...I wonder, why do we wait until we know our death is imminently close rather than living that way now? We all have an expiration date and it is, relatively speaking, close. So why do we wait until we are given that date to live life to the fullest, to love others as our Father loves us, to forgive others for what they have done to us, to stand up for ourselves, to stop the abuse?

My rainbow, in this heavy time, is the ability to love my mom to my fullest ability while I can. Then, to live my life as though I'm dying.

All my love, Me

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