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I Choose....TO LIVE

Choices. This word can be a very painful and all consuming word.  My life has been overwhelmed with choices since July, 2019. My 19 year marriage ended and brought with it so very many decisions. Then, of course, the 2020 pandemic has caused even more choices to be made.

I do not deal well with confronting emotions and working through them or talking about them or feeling them. I REALLY do not like emotions. I like to keep them safe and secure in the boxes in my head. But throughout this past 18 months (that seems like 10 years of my life shaved off) I have been gut punched by emotions and the choices and decisions that needed to be made because of emotions. There's a bucket full of emotions that still have to be sorted out and dealt with because of the marriage. Happiness was not a common emotion felt during that situation. There were decisions made that hurt me that I am still working through and will likely be working through for awhile yet. I won't air too much dirty laundry since I publicly post these, but, I am much happier now.

I lost a long time (15 years or more) friendship that will never be the same again. This has broken my heart more than I can express. But, I cannot go backwards on my decisions that led to the loss. I spoke up for myself. I didn't keep my emotions pushed down until I exploded. I was in a position that I didn't like at all and was highly uncomfortable being in so I spoke up. I've been doing this alot during this time I've been going through. I've lost others because of it. But, I find myself in a better place mentally.

I have lost another VERY important relationship during this time. Though the other person would correct me to say it isn't lost, just different. I disagree greatly with that statement. It hasn't happened yet, but it will end, not just be different. It's mostly ended. There's a thread that's holding it in place that is very slowly unraveling. Soon, the thread will no longer exist. I don't fit them any longer. They've grown in a different direction in which I am not to follow. It's so heart breaking that I have, so very many times, been unable to breathe. I've not been able to function. I could and did go days without eating or sleeping or showering. I slept too much and when I was awake, I was mentally numb. I've finally accepted the inevitable, the end that is coming. But, through this experience, I have made the choice to believe that I am worth more, that I deserve more. I know now that I am not what this person wants or needs and will soon let go of the unraveling thread. But I have made the decision to walk with my head up (this is a chore for me) and look forward believing that I will one day, find the love that I so have desired and now believe that I deserve.

I have battled with losing a job, finding a job that I am miserable in and am not at all successful at which is painful in itself! Facing losing my credit standing due to the huge financial change in my life during this period which means losing my house, car etc. Fighting to keep the utilities on, struggling to keep food in the house (both human and animal), losing a church that I finally "fit" in and had my faith regenerated, not able to keep up with all the house related chores/jobs. Parents and children going through their trials in which I feel I have handled so inadequately. So much depression and anxiety and EMOTIONS....and I'm still working through it all. BUT...

I CHOOSE TO LIVE!

Through the pain, emotions, decisions, changes, learning and everything else that life is currently throwing in my path, I choose to live. Not survive. But live. I choose to remember how to enjoy life and how to find joy and how to discover things that make me smile. I will look in awe at the sky in all it's beauty and turmoil and colors and depths. I will see the wild things that grow where there's not supposed to be life and smile at their survival. I will sit at the beach, close my eyes and let the sounds and smells smother me until I cannot help but breathe. I will renew my journey with God and remember how it feels to accept His unwavering love for me. I will CHOOSE TO LIVE.

All my love, Me.

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