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Tears and Love

Everyday, many times throughout the day, there go my thoughts, right back to you. I've had what I call a good head day pretty much daily for a week now. It's been great, something I'm not used to having in my life. During this time, I have been unbelievably productive in the house and for the first time in 3 years, my whole house is in order according to how I want it to be. (except for the 3 rooms that are not my responsibility and the "details" such as dusting). I haven't had this ambition in a very long time and I am grateful.

So, as I am working through the house, you pop up in all types of places. Yesterday, I stripped my bedding and washed & dried them. I put them back on the bed and wanted to take a picture to send to you because I actually made the bed! Last night, I took a hot lavender bubble bath for the first time in several years. I was finally relaxed enough in my head to take one. It felt amazing! I again thought about you. You used to encourage me to take them when my world started turning out of control. No one's ever known me that well before.

I have felt a kind of freedom recently that has been long overdue. It took 1 sermon from 1 person and 3 by their dad and pastor, all watched the same day, back to back. But it was so worth the time in order to gain that freedom. Through this, I find myself with questions that I would only want to ask you, but I can't. I keep trying so very hard not to intrude upon your time.

I haven't been sleeping again, which for me is better than sleeping too much. So, at night, in the quiet, my thoughts are consumed by you and all the things that you told me that still have an impact on my daily life. Then, today my mom sends me an unexpected picture of daddy. Before cancer, before the stroke and full of a smile. My daddy's smile. Once I stop crying, the thing that wouldn't leave my thoughts were all of the wonderful ways you helped me from 900 miles away when I lost him and I just had to share the picture with you.

I know I shouldn't have texted, but I just had to share that smile with you. Just to give you a small insight into who made me who I am. My daddy.

So, my emotions today and yesterday have been of relaxation, happiness, heartache and love. Such tremendous love that I realize just how fortunate I am that God sent me daddy and you.

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