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Drowning

How do I explain what I do not have the words for? How do I get you to understand what I cannot explain? I totally understand your situation and position. Logically, I know you have to do what you believe God has instructed you to do and I wouldn't ever want to distract you from that...logically.


Emotionally? That's always the catch, isn't it? Emotionally, my head is driving me nuts with questions, worries, anger...so many more. The timing. The timing is always so negatively intense. "Wow. That was intense" you said. Then, less than 24 hours later, everything has to stop, again. How many times has it happened just like that? At least twice.  That's your side. Then there's my side.


I've been moving slow on this ride. I've been thrown from the air too many times not to use such caution. I've tried to "take things as they come" and not wonder about the what ifs and why nots. I've slowly allowed myself to become more comfortable and relaxed. Trying to show my feelings without pushing for yours. I started making plans again after having resolved that there was no need to do so. No reason to proceed. I've allowed my self confidence to be built up, again.


The torment is too great to handle this time. I wonder, why did I ever allow myself to relax, gain confidence in the future, allow feelings to take a front row seat on this ride, again? You would think that I would learn from the past. That I would understand that I am not destined to have the fairy tale, the "happily ever after" that I see happening around me. But, I had hoped. My downfall. I always hope. I don't think I will survive this storm. I feel myself quickly submitting to the current. I can't breathe. I can no longer see the horizon. I have been sucked under, again.

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