My head is out of control. When you hear negative for most of your life (44 years at the moment), it's super easy and comes as second nature to not only believe the negative but to make decisions and live your life according to these negative things. However, when someone says the smallest positive thing, you don't believe it could be truly about you. You don't know how to react or what to say.
So...imagine living in the negative for a very long time. You come to a place where you want to hear positive. Think positive. Feel positive. But, you don't believe you will ever get those things because someone like you doesn't deserve them.
Then, unexpectedly, all in one day, something changes. Someone sincerely asks your thoughts on a comment that has upset you. Normally, you would keep the hurt and the thoughts to yourself. No one really wants to know. They don't care. They even call you things like 'over sensitive' or 'too emotional' etc. But, when you try to explain your way out of answering, this person persists. So, you tell them. Nothing negative. More questions. More answers. Still no negativity. This is so intense, so overwhelming.
Another situation, you have an intimate conversation with someone that you want to trust but you are not prepared to trust, again. This conversation is to discuss your opinion of your physical self. How you've always been embarrassed by your physical self and now, aging and having gained weight, you are just brokenhearted by how you are physically. Still, nothing negative is said. Even when the conversation is in person, the eyes do not show anything negative. Questions asked and answered. Requests made and granted. Still, no negative words, nothing in the eyes, behavior. Nothing negative.
The trust takes a much deeper turn. You cross a line that you have never willingly crossed before, all because the person asked and promised that your answer, no matter what it was to be, would be respected. This, of course, relaxes you enough to try. It wasn't perfect. There were issues in carrying out the request but, despite the imperfections, nothing negative.
Alot of walls were breached. What do you do with all of this? It's so emotionally overwhelming. You want to believe the positive. Could you possibly, for a moment, feel smart, pretty, worthy, enough? But, then to feel it, don't you have to believe it? Could you possibly believe, if only for a moment, that you are these positive things? You want to, you try to but you are so very torn with all that you've ever known versus all that you've always wanted.
So...imagine living in the negative for a very long time. You come to a place where you want to hear positive. Think positive. Feel positive. But, you don't believe you will ever get those things because someone like you doesn't deserve them.
Then, unexpectedly, all in one day, something changes. Someone sincerely asks your thoughts on a comment that has upset you. Normally, you would keep the hurt and the thoughts to yourself. No one really wants to know. They don't care. They even call you things like 'over sensitive' or 'too emotional' etc. But, when you try to explain your way out of answering, this person persists. So, you tell them. Nothing negative. More questions. More answers. Still no negativity. This is so intense, so overwhelming.
Another situation, you have an intimate conversation with someone that you want to trust but you are not prepared to trust, again. This conversation is to discuss your opinion of your physical self. How you've always been embarrassed by your physical self and now, aging and having gained weight, you are just brokenhearted by how you are physically. Still, nothing negative is said. Even when the conversation is in person, the eyes do not show anything negative. Questions asked and answered. Requests made and granted. Still, no negative words, nothing in the eyes, behavior. Nothing negative.
The trust takes a much deeper turn. You cross a line that you have never willingly crossed before, all because the person asked and promised that your answer, no matter what it was to be, would be respected. This, of course, relaxes you enough to try. It wasn't perfect. There were issues in carrying out the request but, despite the imperfections, nothing negative.
Alot of walls were breached. What do you do with all of this? It's so emotionally overwhelming. You want to believe the positive. Could you possibly, for a moment, feel smart, pretty, worthy, enough? But, then to feel it, don't you have to believe it? Could you possibly believe, if only for a moment, that you are these positive things? You want to, you try to but you are so very torn with all that you've ever known versus all that you've always wanted.
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