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Daily Violated

I've never felt comfortable while taking a shower. I always fear that someone is going to walk in, or stay in and watch. I don't like this feeling. It controls me to the point that I have always bought and used a see through shower curtain so I can see if someone is there. I have also always had a severe fear of being trapped. So, whenever possible, I shower with the bathroom door open. Small steps that help alleviate 2 huge fears. 

I do not like being woke up in an intimate manner. I often wake disoriented and confused and scared. I've expressed this to those that needed to know. There are certain words and phrases that just make my skin crawl. There are certain ways that I do not want to be touched. Certain tones of voice make me want to hide and cry.

When I allow someone to get close to me, I express these things in more in order to avoid ending a friendship or relationship over something that could be prevented. However, I have heard such things as "you need to get over it" or "you were a kid then, you're an adult now" or "I'm your husband" or "you've known me long enough that" as well as plenty of other minimizing or demeaning statements.

These are all violations to me. If I am uncomfortable and I request that something not be done anymore, then I should be respected in that request. However, my daily life is filled with such personal violations that I have been unable to put an end to. It is how I must live. I no longer have any fight in me.

My emotions are exhausted.

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