Skip to main content

Daily Violated

I've never felt comfortable while taking a shower. I always fear that someone is going to walk in, or stay in and watch. I don't like this feeling. It controls me to the point that I have always bought and used a see through shower curtain so I can see if someone is there. I have also always had a severe fear of being trapped. So, whenever possible, I shower with the bathroom door open. Small steps that help alleviate 2 huge fears. 

I do not like being woke up in an intimate manner. I often wake disoriented and confused and scared. I've expressed this to those that needed to know. There are certain words and phrases that just make my skin crawl. There are certain ways that I do not want to be touched. Certain tones of voice make me want to hide and cry.

When I allow someone to get close to me, I express these things in more in order to avoid ending a friendship or relationship over something that could be prevented. However, I have heard such things as "you need to get over it" or "you were a kid then, you're an adult now" or "I'm your husband" or "you've known me long enough that" as well as plenty of other minimizing or demeaning statements.

These are all violations to me. If I am uncomfortable and I request that something not be done anymore, then I should be respected in that request. However, my daily life is filled with such personal violations that I have been unable to put an end to. It is how I must live. I no longer have any fight in me.

My emotions are exhausted.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Will Find Me

Who am I? On my own, without you, who am I? I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be, but then, you blew into my life so hard and fast my head is still spinning after how many years...I try to take inventory of myself, you know, keep myself in check and the right course. But somehow, at some point, I lost my direction. Not in every aspect in life, I do have to keep living. But, I've noticed that I don't know who I am without you anymore. I've realized that every thought I have about movement in my life, you intrude and I try to figure out how you would want me to move. Kind of like playing chess and waiting for your opponent to tell you what your next move should be. Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether g...
Post a Comment
Read more

Fairy Tale Dreams and Harsh Realities

Why do we settle? Why is it that we think we only deserve just so much? I've always know what I wanted but I was always of the opinion that it was unattainable for me. I wanted what was always depicted in fairy tales and love stories. I wanted a happy home where everyone loved each other. Everyone was happy. All were healthy. All the needs were met and the desires were obtainable. This is definitely not the hand of cards that I have been dealt nor that I have experience playing. I know financial struggles. I know worrying about how you're going to feed your unborn child when you have money enough to get a mountain dew and a snickers bar to spread over 2 to 3 days. I remember handing washing clothes in the bathtub and hoping that you catch enough sun on the roof during the winter to dry them rather than freeze them. Man, jeans are harsh when you put them on off of a freezing roof! I remember walking around during the day just looking for returnable pop bottles. For those wit...
Post a Comment
Read more