It wasn't the best morning but it would get worse. My birthday doesn't mean very much to me. I don't feel special. I don't ask for things. 2015 & 2016 were good for my birthday. A week at the beach with my mom. No responsibilities, just relaxing and fun all week. The next year, a full week in Ireland. That will be tough to ever beat!
2017, father's day fell on my birthday without my daddy being here. 2018, I spend my birthday in the ICU watching someone very dear to me leave this life and enter eternity.
I remember thinking, I just want today to be easy. I didn't want the stress that comes from my marriage to intrude. I didn't want the stress of my work situation to be visible. I didn't want any drama or stress to darken my day. I remember feeling good as I got out of the shower. My head was in a good place as I stepped into my room. I picked up my phone and saw I had missed a call and thought, how sweet, she called to say happy birthday. I decided to call back on my way to work. Then I saw the message that changed everything.
"He's in ICU. Stung by bees. On vent. Heart keeps stopping." June 18, 2018 11:48 am
I'm an hour and a half away from that hospital. A lot can happen in an hour and a half. I get there, I get the details. CPR didn't work due to the swelling from the anaphylactic shock. Compressions helped keep the heart going but the brain was without oxygen for an hour and a half. "Global catastrophic brain injury" will be listed as the cause of death.
The ventilator breathing for him keeps his heart beating. I step in. I hold his hand and I wait. There's no pain. But there's no life. My loved one is gone. It's 2:14 pm on Monday, June 18, 2018 and I will never see him again. I pray before I let go of him. I prayed to know that he was now in God's hands. I prayed for strength to hold her hand in the coming hours and days as she came to realize that her husband was gone. I prayed for knowledge to say and do the right things at the right times. I prayed for peace to encompass all the hearts that will become affected by this loss. I prayed.
Officially,, date of death is Wed, June 20, 2018 @ 12:14 pm. This does not ease my heart as I know that my birthday was now his death date.
Being the strong one is not easy. People forget to or don't think to ask if you're ok or if you need anything. I'm not ok. I need to be comforted. I need to express how I feel. I need to yell and scream and cry and throw a fit. But, I can't. I have to clean, cook, organize, stop drama, intervene, schedule, plan, etc. Most importantly, I have to be her shadow, protect her, intervene for her, let her cry. Be there for her. I go to bed after she does, I get up before she does. If she's awake, I'm awake. If she needs or wants anything, she looks for me.
My head spins when I finally lie down at night. Who will be there at night? Who will be there when she cries? Who will stop the fighting around her? I've already called, I've already tested and I only left 10 & 1/2 hours ago. I need to know she's ok. How do I take care of her when I'm not there with her?
Who is there for me? Who is going to take care of me and my broken heart? When will I cry? When will I be held? Who hurts for me when they are not with me?
So many questions, so few answers. So much pain, so little relief. This is my daily life before this and this is the life I return to. Will this be my future? I want more. I look for me. I pray for more.
2017, father's day fell on my birthday without my daddy being here. 2018, I spend my birthday in the ICU watching someone very dear to me leave this life and enter eternity.
I remember thinking, I just want today to be easy. I didn't want the stress that comes from my marriage to intrude. I didn't want the stress of my work situation to be visible. I didn't want any drama or stress to darken my day. I remember feeling good as I got out of the shower. My head was in a good place as I stepped into my room. I picked up my phone and saw I had missed a call and thought, how sweet, she called to say happy birthday. I decided to call back on my way to work. Then I saw the message that changed everything.
"He's in ICU. Stung by bees. On vent. Heart keeps stopping." June 18, 2018 11:48 am
I'm an hour and a half away from that hospital. A lot can happen in an hour and a half. I get there, I get the details. CPR didn't work due to the swelling from the anaphylactic shock. Compressions helped keep the heart going but the brain was without oxygen for an hour and a half. "Global catastrophic brain injury" will be listed as the cause of death.
The ventilator breathing for him keeps his heart beating. I step in. I hold his hand and I wait. There's no pain. But there's no life. My loved one is gone. It's 2:14 pm on Monday, June 18, 2018 and I will never see him again. I pray before I let go of him. I prayed to know that he was now in God's hands. I prayed for strength to hold her hand in the coming hours and days as she came to realize that her husband was gone. I prayed for knowledge to say and do the right things at the right times. I prayed for peace to encompass all the hearts that will become affected by this loss. I prayed.
Officially,, date of death is Wed, June 20, 2018 @ 12:14 pm. This does not ease my heart as I know that my birthday was now his death date.
Being the strong one is not easy. People forget to or don't think to ask if you're ok or if you need anything. I'm not ok. I need to be comforted. I need to express how I feel. I need to yell and scream and cry and throw a fit. But, I can't. I have to clean, cook, organize, stop drama, intervene, schedule, plan, etc. Most importantly, I have to be her shadow, protect her, intervene for her, let her cry. Be there for her. I go to bed after she does, I get up before she does. If she's awake, I'm awake. If she needs or wants anything, she looks for me.
My head spins when I finally lie down at night. Who will be there at night? Who will be there when she cries? Who will stop the fighting around her? I've already called, I've already tested and I only left 10 & 1/2 hours ago. I need to know she's ok. How do I take care of her when I'm not there with her?
Who is there for me? Who is going to take care of me and my broken heart? When will I cry? When will I be held? Who hurts for me when they are not with me?
So many questions, so few answers. So much pain, so little relief. This is my daily life before this and this is the life I return to. Will this be my future? I want more. I look for me. I pray for more.
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