I often wonder why I am not worth any more than a two dollar whore. Before you raise your hackles and start defending prostitutes while thinking I am demeaning them, read. Statistically speaking, prostitutes are not valued within the community. They are lowly and unspeakable persons performing unmentionable acts. They are thought to be not worth much at all and those not good at their trade was worth even less. Hence, the phrase two dollar whore.
So, I was taught at the great age of 5 what my worth in this world was to be. It set a trend for my future. It is why I do not like walking from a dark room into a dark room. I really don't like dark bathrooms. I get nervous sleeping on someones couch. It is very scary what can happen in the dark by someone in whom you are taught at a young age to trust and respect. I learned, without science and books, what my breasts and vagina were for at this very young age. No, this didn't stop there with just that one person. Also, this one person carried it on until I was 21, at which time I finally stood up to him and said "no" which resulted in my being forced to move with my then 1 year old daughter. But....in the meantime...
I was 12, maybe 13, stayed many night with my best friend. Then, one night, she says we're going to stay at her friend's or cousin's or something, I don't remember. What I do remember is what happened to me and the other girl that night who was younger than I was. We were both told we couldn't say anything to anyone because no one would believe us because everyone knew she liked boys. I was 14 and an older man did things, much more things, a bit gentler, but still not ok. He was an adult. I was just barely 14, staying in what should have been a safe place. And again, nothing said or done during the day, only at night and only in the dark. So many secrets and I had just barely begun puberty.
I'm 14, almost 15 now and I've had a boyfriend for a few months. He said it was time that I showed him how much I loved him. It was the first time I experienced intercourse. While he lit a cigarette, I went to the bathroom, cleaned up and cried in a ball on the floor for an indeterminate amount of time. He was asleep when I left the bathroom.
Now, I'm 21 almost 22 and I'm married. This ends in 3 years and leaves me a single mother of 2 children. During the marriage, during the time that I should be wanted most by a man, I did not have my husband's desire. I fought, didn't work. For the first time in my life, a man should be showing me physical and sexual attention and that wasn't what happened. My worth diminished. If I wasn't good enough to keep my husband's attention that way a wife should, what good could I ever be? I'll stop there, I've said enough for one writing.
I said all of this to explain, I have been being taught that I do not have much to give and my value is only of a sexual nature. I have painfully taught my children that they are so very much more than this and just how important and strong and beautiful and smart they are. But, I raised them with all of the conviction of someone who has never believed these things about their self. I haven't heard/felt/experienced enough positive about myself that it over rules all of the negative that I began learning about myself at the age of 5. I don't know that it's possible to ever learn enough positive about myself to undo those lessons. Even when I have a good day and think something good about myself, it isn't long before a shadow darkens the thought and reassures me of my weaknesses and failures.
I share, not nearly everything, but I share this as it is so very heavy and prevalent in my life right now and I hope and pray that someone reading this understands that lessons such as mine are built entirely upon lies that you do not have to believe.
So, I was taught at the great age of 5 what my worth in this world was to be. It set a trend for my future. It is why I do not like walking from a dark room into a dark room. I really don't like dark bathrooms. I get nervous sleeping on someones couch. It is very scary what can happen in the dark by someone in whom you are taught at a young age to trust and respect. I learned, without science and books, what my breasts and vagina were for at this very young age. No, this didn't stop there with just that one person. Also, this one person carried it on until I was 21, at which time I finally stood up to him and said "no" which resulted in my being forced to move with my then 1 year old daughter. But....in the meantime...
I was 12, maybe 13, stayed many night with my best friend. Then, one night, she says we're going to stay at her friend's or cousin's or something, I don't remember. What I do remember is what happened to me and the other girl that night who was younger than I was. We were both told we couldn't say anything to anyone because no one would believe us because everyone knew she liked boys. I was 14 and an older man did things, much more things, a bit gentler, but still not ok. He was an adult. I was just barely 14, staying in what should have been a safe place. And again, nothing said or done during the day, only at night and only in the dark. So many secrets and I had just barely begun puberty.
I'm 14, almost 15 now and I've had a boyfriend for a few months. He said it was time that I showed him how much I loved him. It was the first time I experienced intercourse. While he lit a cigarette, I went to the bathroom, cleaned up and cried in a ball on the floor for an indeterminate amount of time. He was asleep when I left the bathroom.
Now, I'm 21 almost 22 and I'm married. This ends in 3 years and leaves me a single mother of 2 children. During the marriage, during the time that I should be wanted most by a man, I did not have my husband's desire. I fought, didn't work. For the first time in my life, a man should be showing me physical and sexual attention and that wasn't what happened. My worth diminished. If I wasn't good enough to keep my husband's attention that way a wife should, what good could I ever be? I'll stop there, I've said enough for one writing.
I said all of this to explain, I have been being taught that I do not have much to give and my value is only of a sexual nature. I have painfully taught my children that they are so very much more than this and just how important and strong and beautiful and smart they are. But, I raised them with all of the conviction of someone who has never believed these things about their self. I haven't heard/felt/experienced enough positive about myself that it over rules all of the negative that I began learning about myself at the age of 5. I don't know that it's possible to ever learn enough positive about myself to undo those lessons. Even when I have a good day and think something good about myself, it isn't long before a shadow darkens the thought and reassures me of my weaknesses and failures.
I share, not nearly everything, but I share this as it is so very heavy and prevalent in my life right now and I hope and pray that someone reading this understands that lessons such as mine are built entirely upon lies that you do not have to believe.
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