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Twisted like a Tornado

Ya'll, I am so very twisted right now. Well, let's be truly honest, I've been twisted for awhile now. I recently found myself on my own completely. Some parts of that I am more than surviving. But other parts, well, not so much. I have busted my rear for almost 20 years to keep the house that we bought and now I am facing losing my home because I cannot afford all of the marital bills on my own. I have been emotionally trashed over this issue. I don't want to move. I'm comfortable there, I've made it my own space. I truly can't see me living anywhere else. I'm terrified to have to face that process. I'm devastated with this situation.

I'm also, yes at the same time, facing an empty nest. 2 of my 4 currently still reside at home, however, 1 is leaving this month and the other is trying to leave as quickly as possible. I'm not ok being "alone" in my home. My home was bought for a family, not a single dweller. I am so very proud of all of my kids, I mean our goals as a parent is for them to move and stand tall on their own, but the pain of that is very uncomfortable.

Then there's also my mom. She's a 12 hour drive away and facing a pretty serious health issue and I can't be there. I want to be there and help, clean, listen, whatever is needed/wanted. But I cannot afford to go. This is one of the times that I second guess living states away. I miss her. I want to comfort this woman who comforted me so many times throughout my 46 years. My heart is breaking over this situation.

I have been feeling that I must be truly unworthy of God's help in my life. I was going through a state of mind in which I believed that God was tired of holding me up or holding my hand. I have prayed and begged and cried to Him for some reprieve. I haven't seen any proof of that coming. This has truly clasped my heart to the point of affecting my breathing from the pain of it.

But then....I have found myself involved with a new church in my area with some of the most amazing hearts that I have seen in a very long time. No judgment, only love has been given to me by them. I have taken a deep breath. I am excited for the next time I get to see them. I love getting unexpected messages from them. I feel love when I am with them. I may not gain a reprieve from God but He has shown me love.

I don't know how I will survive the situations I've mentioned or the many others that I am facing right now, but I know (right now at this moment) that God loves me enough to shower me with love in unexpected ways by unexpected people in unexpected places.

This is my rainbow in the middle of my storm...knowing love and peace still survive the damaging thunder and lighting. No storm can diminish His love. His rainbow of promise is where I'm standing.

All my Love, Me

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