Love and Emotions

So, I am hurt. Lost. Not really sure of all of the emotions that are churning inside tonight. I have wanted something for so long, now, it's here and literally in my face but yet, it's not at all what I wanted. I wanted the love, passion, sincerity, and all of the other emotions that I had learned from you. I wanted that look in your eyes. That feel of your touch. The skip of my heartbeat. The catch in my breath. The butterflies in my stomach. The rest in your arms. But, that's not what I got. Logically, I knew what to expect. You told me. Made it clear. But my heart, hoped. I got what was expected. Nothing more. Not one tiny piece more. I thought, had hoped like a child, that if I tried hard enough, stayed long enough, waited....but no. I got exactly what was expected. I am such a stubborn student. I have to be presented with the same lesson time and again before I finally learn from it. Well, that is where I sit right now. Another lesson, previously taught, but lear...

I haven't hated anyone in years. During my entire life, I've only ever hated 2 people. I forgave them through a lot of learning and a lot of God's love. I promised myself that I would never hate anyone ever again. It causes so much negativity for the one who hates rather than the one that is hated. I believe that hatred just festers in our bodies and causes destruction. Like constantly putting acidic foods in our bodies. The acid causes harm through heartburn, indigestion, reflux and on and on. We love acidic foods/beverages like tomatoes, citrus fruit and their juices, peppers, etc. So, we medicate and continue ingesting the things that we enjoy, knowing the damage that we are causing ourselves. Hatred is this way to our bodies except there are no medications that can ease the destruction. I'm balancing this hatred line right now, fighting with my promise to myself. I want to hate you. I wish I could hate you. I have said this to myself a lot over the last year. ...

How are there so many memories with something that had such a short life? I wanted to go see you, but I couldn't. There's new rules in place, not that I understand what they all are, I know nothing physically intimate is allowed. So, I couldn't go see  you because I couldn't get intimate memories out of my mind's eye today. So many things. A destroyed rain coat. Sir Tyler Terraces. Taco Bell-UNCW areas. Rainy days. An elevator. Walks....so many walks. Then, all of these memories paints such a vivid movie in my mind that I can't even walk. Not of a memory but of a desire. I unwillingly text so I won't later be tempted to go anyway and take a risk. I wonder, will I ever have any of this again in my lifetime? Would I even want it if it wasn't with you? The answer is no. I wouldn't want it from any other source. I couldn't let someone else in on that level. It's amazing to me just how inter woven into my life you had become. I didn't even...

So, I'm on the edge, I'm done. I send one text to one person to say what I need to say, goodbye. I had everything planned, I was ready. Then, I get a text back. I didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. But it was there. Then another one. I respond the next day. Then a dialogue ensues for a few days. I back away from the edge. I see a small sliver of light. I try again. I push forward. I breathe deep. I can move again. Why? YOU. Why is it always you? I'm supposed to walk away. Leave it behind. Let go of it. But, I don't. I can't. I won't. I wonder your reasons. I question your statements. But, I don't ask. Because for the first time ever, I don't care about the reasons. I just don't. Anything is better than nothing. Small is better than nil. I begin a Bible study of a word that struck a cord within me from a sermon from.....YOUR church. The things I have received  from those sermons have changed something within my mind and my heart. I have ...

Everyday, many times throughout the day, there go my thoughts, right back to you. I've had what I call a good head day pretty much daily for a week now. It's been great, something I'm not used to having in my life. During this time, I have been unbelievably productive in the house and for the first time in 3 years, my whole house is in order according to how I want it to be. (except for the 3 rooms that are not my responsibility and the "details" such as dusting). I haven't had this ambition in a very long time and I am grateful. So, as I am working through the house, you pop up in all types of places. Yesterday, I stripped my bedding and washed & dried them. I put them back on the bed and wanted to take a picture to send to you because I actually made the bed! Last night, I took a hot lavender bubble bath for the first time in several years. I was finally relaxed enough in my head to take one. It felt amazing! I again thought about you. You used to enco...

So, this is love. I'm grabbing my seatbelt as I'm turning in to where I'm going to park, but I stop. I can't unlatch the belt until I am parked. You asked me to do that and I still do, even now. When I grab the belt to soon, I always remember your words and let go of the belt until I have parked. I don't feel loved. I'm trying to feel it. I feel so alone. I know what I need, to just rest my head on your chest. I've never felt more love in my life as a woman than when I just rested on your chest. But, it's not there. The love a woman is so desperately in need of, I no longer have access to and that hurts. BUT....then I remember how you didn't just tell me I was never alone but you explained it to me, on my level. Now, even though I can't rest in your arms and on your chest, I know that I am being held by arms that will never leave me...that's the ultimate love.  I had to clean a child's room today. Again, I thought of you. That is th...