Love and Emotions

 Today, I am feeling pretty priceless (at least so far this morning). Normally, I feel closer to worthless. I’m comfortable there, close to worthless, because we are often most comfortable in what we most know. I’ve been in many situations at many different points of my life in which I was informed and often reminded that my worth was not only below their own, but that I wasn’t worth much in my own right.  I have often looked in the very wrong places in order to establish my worth. Sex, drinking, destructive behaviors....all just solidified what others had been saying, I wasn’t worth much. This just makes depression so much darker, anxiety so much more active...it’s just not a good result at all. However, I have been hearing some things lately that I never really heard before (had been said but I just didn’t receive it as applying to myself) that I am really listening to and for now. I do not believe in coincidences at all...I believe fully that EVERYTHING happens for a specif...

 So, I've had my head in a place lately...end of story type place. I wonder, what would I do if I was given an expiration date? Like, "you have until June 30th to do everything, then you will wake up in Heaven, never to be on Earth again" type expiration date. This comes up because recently, I was told that I had maybe 6 months left with my mom. My head started spinning once the conversation was over. What do I need her to know? What do I need to know from her? What do I do to prepare for this? Can I even do anything to prepare for it? I started doing things that are not at all wise things to do in this situation. You see, when my depression is heavy, I call mom. When my anxiety threatens my day, I call mom. When something exciting happens, I call mom. You get the point, right? So, I thought to myself one day, "Chris, you're going to have to get used to not calling mom, so you might as well start now". So, I called mom, almost daily still, but not for my ...

Choices. This word can be a very painful and all consuming word.  My life has been overwhelmed with choices since July, 2019. My 19 year marriage ended and brought with it so very many decisions. Then, of course, the 2020 pandemic has caused even more choices to be made. I do not deal well with confronting emotions and working through them or talking about them or feeling them. I REALLY do not like emotions. I like to keep them safe and secure in the boxes in my head. But throughout this past 18 months (that seems like 10 years of my life shaved off) I have been gut punched by emotions and the choices and decisions that needed to be made because of emotions. There's a bucket full of emotions that still have to be sorted out and dealt with because of the marriage. Happiness was not a common emotion felt during that situation. There were decisions made that hurt me that I am still working through and will likely be working through for awhile yet. I won't air too much dirty laundr...

It is said that hindsight is 20/20 and I have heard countless people in my life say "if I knew then what I know now" about so many situations. I have again taken to journaling, but this time in a different for me way. I am using "self reflective" writing prompts. Well, if it were possible to warn my younger self, there's so very much that I would say. Most importantly, I would tell a much younger me that I was not in any way responsible for the sexual abuse that happened to me before I was old enough to even comprehend what was happening. That I had done absolutely nothing to provoke the situation and I should not carry any guilt. I would tell myself that I am a wonderfully made daughter of a King that cannot be defeated. I would say that the opinions of others are in no way reflective of who I have to be or become, that I can and should write my own story without needing the approval of anyone. I would say to her, that there is more to you than feeding the ...

Ya'll, I am so very twisted right now. Well, let's be truly honest, I've been twisted for awhile now. I recently found myself on my own completely. Some parts of that I am more than surviving. But other parts, well, not so much. I have busted my rear for almost 20 years to keep the house that we bought and now I am facing losing my home because I cannot afford all of the marital bills on my own. I have been emotionally trashed over this issue. I don't want to move. I'm comfortable there, I've made it my own space. I truly can't see me living anywhere else. I'm terrified to have to face that process. I'm devastated with this situation. I'm also, yes at the same time, facing an empty nest. 2 of my 4 currently still reside at home, however, 1 is leaving this month and the other is trying to leave as quickly as possible. I'm not ok being "alone" in my home. My home was bought for a family, not a single dweller. I am so very proud of a...

Who am I? On my own, without you, who am I? I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be, but then, you blew into my life so hard and fast my head is still spinning after how many years...I try to take inventory of myself, you know, keep myself in check and the right course. But somehow, at some point, I lost my direction. Not in every aspect in life, I do have to keep living. But, I've noticed that I don't know who I am without you anymore. I've realized that every thought I have about movement in my life, you intrude and I try to figure out how you would want me to move. Kind of like playing chess and waiting for your opponent to tell you what your next move should be. Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether g...