Love and Emotions

I've never felt comfortable while taking a shower. I always fear that someone is going to walk in, or stay in and watch. I don't like this feeling. It controls me to the point that I have always bought and used a see through shower curtain so I can see if someone is there. I have also always had a severe fear of being trapped. So, whenever possible, I shower with the bathroom door open. Small steps that help alleviate 2 huge fears.  I do not like being woke up in an intimate manner. I often wake disoriented and confused and scared. I've expressed this to those that needed to know. There are certain words and phrases that just make my skin crawl. There are certain ways that I do not want to be touched. Certain tones of voice make me want to hide and cry. When I allow someone to get close to me, I express these things in more in order to avoid ending a friendship or relationship over something that could be prevented. However, I have heard such things as "you need to ...

My head is out of control. When you hear negative for most of your life (44 years at the moment), it's super easy and comes as second nature to not only believe the negative but to make decisions and live your life according to these negative things. However, when someone says the smallest positive thing, you don't believe it could be truly about you. You don't know how to react or what to say. So...imagine living in the negative for a very long time. You come to a place where you want to hear positive. Think positive. Feel positive. But, you don't believe you will ever get those things because someone like you doesn't deserve them. Then, unexpectedly, all in one day, something changes. Someone sincerely asks your thoughts on a comment that has upset you. Normally, you would keep the hurt and the thoughts to yourself. No one really wants to know. They don't care. They even call you things like 'over sensitive' or 'too emotional' etc. But, whe...

How do I explain what I do not have the words for? How do I get you to understand what I cannot explain? I totally understand your situation and position. Logically, I know you have to do what you believe God has instructed you to do and I wouldn't ever want to distract you from that...logically. Emotionally? That's always the catch, isn't it? Emotionally, my head is driving me nuts with questions, worries, anger...so many more. The timing. The timing is always so negatively intense. "Wow. That was intense" you said. Then, less than 24 hours later, everything has to stop, again. How many times has it happened just like that? At least twice.  That's your side. Then there's my side. I've been moving slow on this ride. I've been thrown from the air too many times not to use such caution. I've tried to "take things as they come" and not wonder about the what ifs and why nots. I've slowly allowed myself to become more comfortable a...

So, I am hurt. Lost. Not really sure of all of the emotions that are churning inside tonight. I have wanted something for so long, now, it's here and literally in my face but yet, it's not at all what I wanted. I wanted the love, passion, sincerity, and all of the other emotions that I had learned from you. I wanted that look in your eyes. That feel of your touch. The skip of my heartbeat. The catch in my breath. The butterflies in my stomach. The rest in your arms. But, that's not what I got. Logically, I knew what to expect. You told me. Made it clear. But my heart, hoped. I got what was expected. Nothing more. Not one tiny piece more. I thought, had hoped like a child, that if I tried hard enough, stayed long enough, waited....but no. I got exactly what was expected. I am such a stubborn student. I have to be presented with the same lesson time and again before I finally learn from it. Well, that is where I sit right now. Another lesson, previously taught, but lear...

I haven't hated anyone in years. During my entire life, I've only ever hated 2 people. I forgave them through a lot of learning and a lot of God's love. I promised myself that I would never hate anyone ever again. It causes so much negativity for the one who hates rather than the one that is hated. I believe that hatred just festers in our bodies and causes destruction. Like constantly putting acidic foods in our bodies. The acid causes harm through heartburn, indigestion, reflux and on and on. We love acidic foods/beverages like tomatoes, citrus fruit and their juices, peppers, etc. So, we medicate and continue ingesting the things that we enjoy, knowing the damage that we are causing ourselves. Hatred is this way to our bodies except there are no medications that can ease the destruction. I'm balancing this hatred line right now, fighting with my promise to myself. I want to hate you. I wish I could hate you. I have said this to myself a lot over the last year. ...

How are there so many memories with something that had such a short life? I wanted to go see you, but I couldn't. There's new rules in place, not that I understand what they all are, I know nothing physically intimate is allowed. So, I couldn't go see  you because I couldn't get intimate memories out of my mind's eye today. So many things. A destroyed rain coat. Sir Tyler Terraces. Taco Bell-UNCW areas. Rainy days. An elevator. Walks....so many walks. Then, all of these memories paints such a vivid movie in my mind that I can't even walk. Not of a memory but of a desire. I unwillingly text so I won't later be tempted to go anyway and take a risk. I wonder, will I ever have any of this again in my lifetime? Would I even want it if it wasn't with you? The answer is no. I wouldn't want it from any other source. I couldn't let someone else in on that level. It's amazing to me just how inter woven into my life you had become. I didn't even...

So, I'm on the edge, I'm done. I send one text to one person to say what I need to say, goodbye. I had everything planned, I was ready. Then, I get a text back. I didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. But it was there. Then another one. I respond the next day. Then a dialogue ensues for a few days. I back away from the edge. I see a small sliver of light. I try again. I push forward. I breathe deep. I can move again. Why? YOU. Why is it always you? I'm supposed to walk away. Leave it behind. Let go of it. But, I don't. I can't. I won't. I wonder your reasons. I question your statements. But, I don't ask. Because for the first time ever, I don't care about the reasons. I just don't. Anything is better than nothing. Small is better than nil. I begin a Bible study of a word that struck a cord within me from a sermon from.....YOUR church. The things I have received  from those sermons have changed something within my mind and my heart. I have ...