Love and Emotions

Ya'll, I am so very twisted right now. Well, let's be truly honest, I've been twisted for awhile now. I recently found myself on my own completely. Some parts of that I am more than surviving. But other parts, well, not so much. I have busted my rear for almost 20 years to keep the house that we bought and now I am facing losing my home because I cannot afford all of the marital bills on my own. I have been emotionally trashed over this issue. I don't want to move. I'm comfortable there, I've made it my own space. I truly can't see me living anywhere else. I'm terrified to have to face that process. I'm devastated with this situation. I'm also, yes at the same time, facing an empty nest. 2 of my 4 currently still reside at home, however, 1 is leaving this month and the other is trying to leave as quickly as possible. I'm not ok being "alone" in my home. My home was bought for a family, not a single dweller. I am so very proud of a...

Who am I? On my own, without you, who am I? I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be, but then, you blew into my life so hard and fast my head is still spinning after how many years...I try to take inventory of myself, you know, keep myself in check and the right course. But somehow, at some point, I lost my direction. Not in every aspect in life, I do have to keep living. But, I've noticed that I don't know who I am without you anymore. I've realized that every thought I have about movement in my life, you intrude and I try to figure out how you would want me to move. Kind of like playing chess and waiting for your opponent to tell you what your next move should be. Well, I do not want to wait and guess and wonder for someone to direct my footsteps. I am independent at my core, I always have been and always desire to be so. I've needed another before, someone that I allowed to tell me the next move, someone I sought out for most everything in my life whether g...

I often wonder why I am not worth any more than a two dollar whore. Before you raise your hackles and start defending prostitutes while thinking I am demeaning them, read. Statistically speaking, prostitutes are not valued within the community. They are lowly and unspeakable persons performing unmentionable acts. They are thought to be not worth much at all and those not good at their trade was worth even less. Hence, the phrase two dollar whore. So, I was taught at the great age of 5 what my worth in this world was to be. It set a trend for my future. It is why I do not like walking from a dark room into a dark room. I really don't like dark bathrooms. I get nervous sleeping on someones couch. It is very scary what can happen in the dark by someone in whom you are taught at a young age to trust and respect. I learned, without science and books, what my breasts and vagina were for at this very young age. No, this didn't stop there with just that one person. Also, this one per...

I wrote this in 2015: Why don't people realize what they've got, be thankful & try to keep it?People take so much from others for granted. We need to learn to put others before ourselves. Focus on keeping them happy. Show them they are important to us. Losing someone you love by no fault of your own or theirs is a hard place to be and a hard thing to comprehend. But so much harder is losing someone simply because they took you for granted and didn't put your happiness above theirs. Harder still is losing someone you love because you did nothing to keep them. when you wake up alone and realize how little you did, I wonder, do you feel sad & bad enough to make necessary changes to prevent losing the next person you are fortunate enough to love? Jan 22, 2015 I have seen this scenario is several ways lately. I have seen someone important to me make temporary changes in a desperate measure to change an expected outcome. It worked, they got what they wanted from ...

Why do we settle? Why is it that we think we only deserve just so much? I've always know what I wanted but I was always of the opinion that it was unattainable for me. I wanted what was always depicted in fairy tales and love stories. I wanted a happy home where everyone loved each other. Everyone was happy. All were healthy. All the needs were met and the desires were obtainable. This is definitely not the hand of cards that I have been dealt nor that I have experience playing. I know financial struggles. I know worrying about how you're going to feed your unborn child when you have money enough to get a mountain dew and a snickers bar to spread over 2 to 3 days. I remember handing washing clothes in the bathtub and hoping that you catch enough sun on the roof during the winter to dry them rather than freeze them. Man, jeans are harsh when you put them on off of a freezing roof! I remember walking around during the day just looking for returnable pop bottles. For those wit...

It wasn't the best morning but it would get worse. My birthday doesn't mean very much to me. I don't feel special. I don't ask for things. 2015 & 2016 were good for my birthday. A week at the beach with my mom. No responsibilities, just relaxing and fun all week. The next year, a full week in Ireland. That will be tough to ever beat! 2017, father's day fell on my birthday without my daddy being here. 2018, I spend my birthday in the ICU watching someone very dear to me leave this life and enter eternity. I remember thinking, I just want today to be easy. I didn't want the stress that comes from my marriage to intrude. I didn't want the stress of my work situation to be visible. I didn't want any drama or stress to darken my day. I remember feeling good as I got out of the shower. My head was in a good place as I stepped into my room. I picked up my phone and saw I had missed a call and thought, how sweet, she called to say happy birthday. I decid...

I want what I deserve and I deserve more than I have. You say I can't have what I want due to our individual circumstances. But this is only true in part. Your situation is available as has been told to you, however, you are choosing to believe and hold out hope for that to change to your deep desire (not me). My situation is that I am willing to fight for what I want including making any and all changes needed in order to get what I want. With that said, I will not continue, nor ever again allow myself to be the only one to fight and/or make changes to reach the ultimate goal. I will never again feed a one sided situation. I will let it wither and die behind my back as I continue to move forward. I will no longer be set aside until someone wants to get theirs just to set me aside again. I am more important that sex. I am better than satisfying a physical need for another while I walk away just as empty as when I arrived. I will no longer have my deepest emotions bared and ex...